We’ve seen interesting discussion on a blog about women who have a high sex drive. It’s understandable that the blog (Girl Defined) doesn’t go into any real depth about why that is. As we alluded to in previous posts in this series, the factors influencing a person’s individual sex drive are complex and probably not easy to change for the individual. We’ve avoided focusing on a person’s sex drive, as long as there is no lust or other sexual sin that is creating a high sex drive for them, and simply focused on how that person can make the best use of masturbation as a gift and a blessing that enables them to manage and discipline their sex drive. There’s been a tendency in the past to apply a double standard and treat horny gals differently from guys and insinuate a woman must have something wrong with her if she is extra horny. There’s a moot point there about how does one define what is a “high sex drive” anyway? We think the normal range of sexual desire is that an average guy or gal will desire sexual stimulation / orgasm about once a day or less. Whether they actually get that or not is a completely different question. High sex drive is probably where they want more than that, and is still possible and acceptable for a Christian who maintains sexual purity 100% of the time.
Also important is a balance between masturbation and marital sexual relations for those who are married. It’s important that guys especially get this right because although they often have a higher sex drive, the refractory period that applies after a sexual response cycle before a guy’s body is ready to start another one, can negatively impact on marital relations. Women, of course, don’t have the same issue, and this is also an advantage in other ways for them, because we think it is obvious that a married woman whose sexual “wiring” is more complex than her husband’s, particularly in emotional and spiritual responses, is more likely to need to practice sexual devotion in a solo masturbation session, in order to fill in the gaps in what her husband can provide to her in the marriage. Since his response will tend naturally to be more focused on the physicality of sex, and less on the emotionality and spirituality, she can have times of sexual devotion when she can let God fill in those gaps directly and get sexually refreshed by being in receipt of the right kind of messages about her sexuality. So a wife can be looking forward to a physical sexual encounter with her husband in the evening, and earlier in the day or throughout the day she can have a time or times of masturbation as a warmup, which is much harder for a husband to do. Obviously also if they are trying to get pregnant, the issue is of the husband spilling his semen in masturbation as well, but on the other hand, around those times when she is fertile, they may agree to have sex more frequently to make the most of the opportunity anyhow.
This is probably one of the key reasons why it has been said (we have referred to this previously but don’t have a reference source for it) that masturbation has a positive correlation with frequency of sexual intercourse, or in other words, where either of the marriage partners masturbates regularly, there is a greater degree of sexual intimacy between the husband and wife in the marriage. When the wife is using masturbation for sexual devotion times between those mutual encounters, she can fill in those gaps so well that she really does become more passionate about having sex with her husband and wants more of it. The husband can also make his contribution by using masturbation to control the peaks of his sex drive by relieving the pressure on his wife at those times and this can also strengthen those intimate times because the wife feels she is getting more choice over when they have sex and less pressure at times when she may not be in the mood. And finally, a husband and wife can have sex by masturbating together which also removes pressure on the wife to agree to penetration, because especially as women get older that is a much less desirable form of sex. We are, of course, referring to sex for non-reproductive purpsoes, since when procreation is important, then both partners have to focus all their efforts on maximizing the opportunity for the wife to become pregnant; the husband in particular ensuring 100% of his sperm is available to his wife’s ovaries.
Shifting focus slightly but staying focused on what a woman can achieve for spiritual and emotional blessing through masturbation, let’s now consider the case of the adolescent girl who is entering puberty and starting to discover that her body is developing adult sexual characteristics. In the midst of all of the various changes, she is now capable of masturbating and achieving orgasm. We’ve talked previously about how the use of masturbation is important for young guys for achieving sexual discipline and development, especially discipline. That is also really important for adolescent girls as their sexuality develops, but for somewhat different reasons. Whereas guys have to control their sex drive and prevent it from causing problems for others around them, especially women, for the typical teenage gal, what matters the most is dealing with her side of the relationships with guys and resisting the kinds of pressures she will typically come under from them, although these days a gal may also initiate things herself.
Simply put, this is where a Christian gal has to be assertive about her body and about boundaries, but also about owning her body and owning all of her body’s sexual aspects and responses and sending a clear message that they are not available to and do not belong to anyone else. We believe a key part of that assertion is to be achieved during masturbation, by physically touching and receiving pleasure from the key visual-sexual parts of her body, especially the main ones that males are attracted to. By making declarations and assertions to the effect that she owns all of these body parts and that all of their physical benefits (such as appearance, movement, pleasure when touched or stroked, and contribution to level of sexual arousal), during a time of masturbation, belong to her and are for her personal pleasure only. Of course, she has to give herself permission to enjoy getting sexually aroused by looking at and touching these parts of her body, and not feel any shame when she does so. So she has to be totally confident that masturbation is right for her body and that it is contributing both to her ability to assert these important boundaries and also to her overall emotional and spiritual wellbeing, the starting point obviously being the acceptance of masturbation itself in general for the 3-D purposes. What helps those assertions to take root in her life is that confidence about her body and what these parts can be used for, and a clear declaration that she does not need any other person to enable her to receive the sexual pleasure that she is capable of receiving from masturbation. It is also important, of course, to have an overall commitment to using masturbation to maintain sexual purity. These factors are, of course, only relevant to her personal behaviour and do not relate in any way to safety – obviously any woman has to take due care (which is an unfortunate fact of life) to be physically safe at all times and this is separate from that. This conversation is mainly about setting boundaries and expectations for personal conduct in the presence of males where sexual tension is likely to be heightened – such as in a school, library, workplace or other place where people form community.
So whilst male and female Christian teenagers who are just starting down this journey of sexual development are both enjoined to commence masturbating in order to achieve the 3-D outcomes to benefit their sexuality in general, the reasons and expectations are different for guys and gals. But both are seeking to support the development of godly character and maintenance of sexual purity during this single sexual phase of their lives, in preparation for adult expectations of sexuality and the possibility of marriage and other types of productive and constructive relationships, whilst living out their lives as committed godly believers, disciples and servants of Jesus Christ.