This is an interesting topic that is included in our Key Principles on this site and therefore it is important to write this article for the usefulness and relevance of masturbation in marriage. Often times we hear of the situation that a husband or wife masturbated before they were married and then they thought those desires for masturbation would stop when they got married but they didn’t. We think that in the same way as masturbation by singles can be acceptable for Christians within certain limits, it can also be useful in marriages and can help in the ongoing support of the marriage. We do emphasise that there must be agreement on this by the husband and wife within the marriage.
The important purposes we have listed for masturbation when used by singles, the 3-D principles, can be applied equally for masturbation when used in marriage, although in a slightly different context. The context for singles is focused on developing their own knowledge of their sexuality particularly on light of their Christian faith as a preparation for marriage. For those who are married, it is in support of upholding and strengthening the marriage. Sexual development for men and women in a marital situation works in different ways, but these ways are fundamentally the same as they are in singleness. It is necessary in order to achieve a successful marriage for both men and women to develop healthy sexuality as single people and to be successful at living a single life and being fully spiritually fulfilled in singleness. This ensures they are fully equipped to be able to give out selflessly to each other in marriage without unhealthy dependencies developing.
In the marital scenario, sexual development for a wife, who is more capable of achieving spiritual fulfilment exclusive of sexual intimacy, should achieve the necessary requirements of adapting to and understanding the differences between her sexuality and her husband’s, given the more complex nature of female sexuality. Sexual development for a husband should be focused primarily on avoiding the natural tendency of males to seek spiritual fulfilment through sexual intimacy. In both cases there is a requirement to ensure spiritual intimacy is being achieved in all situations of sexual intimacy and that may also need attention via sexual development. The expectations for sexual discipline and sexual devotion are similar to those for singles in general, excepting that sexual discipline is relevant at times when the husband and wife are temporarily unable to partake of physical intimacy, for example during pregnancy or in post-natal recovery period or because of employment situations. At those times, either might partake of masturbation to ensure all sex drives and desires are appropriately managed.
As it is typical for married couples to enjoy sexual intimacy at certain times of a typical week, often specific days, we recommend treating the intermediate days as gap periods in which the husband and wife can have separate times of masturbation for the 3-D purposes in support of their marriage. We recommend considering the use of separate beds for sleeping on gap nights if this can be arranged so that each party can have a full sexual devotion time physically separated from the other as this will be most beneficial to them.
Sexual development within marriage becomes especially useful and relevant in situations such as the following:
- New marriages where there is difficulty in developing sexual intimacy. Situations where this is relevant can include the following:
- Where either or both husband/wife has participated in purity culture or other beliefs that repress sexuality.
- Where either or both husband/wife have been brought up with complementarian beliefs that repress female sexuality particularly.
- Where sexual abuse has been experienced by either or both husband/wife.
- Existing marriages where after post-natal recovery from pregnancy the wife experiences difficulty in restoring sexual intimacy due to birth trauma.
The issue of purity culture and similar beliefs is covered to some extent within this blog’s category of Purity Culture Sexuality and articles on this subject can be found by selecting the category from the category list found at the bottom of every page of this blog.